In the Game of Game of Thrones, battles are our Christmas. Having a character in a battle is a minimum of 50 points; having multiple characters in a battle can double your score for the season. But can you put a price on sucking? Say there was a character in
Game of Thrones a character who got lots of kills, a character who even made that rare "coming back from the dead" score, a character who has taken up plenty of screen time this year. If he mega sucks, does he still win the Game? How sweet can that victory be?
After the previous episode, “No One,” triggered disappointment for many fans over some of the narrative choices a severely wounded Arya running and jumping through Braavos, the Blackfish reportedly being killed off-screen, Dany showing for a quick scene in Meereen, anticipation for “Battle of the Bastards” only grew. Surely, this was going to be the episode of the season: a showdown between the resurrected Jon Snow, backed by thousands of Wildlings and a smattering of Northern houses, and the sadistic monster Ramsay Bolton, with his elite forces and the support of several powerful noble families. The fate of the North at stake. Sansa Stark within arm’s length of vengeance. Several important characters in peril. A fight for the ages — on “Game of Thrones,” at least directed by Miguel Sapochnik, who helmed “Hardhome,” the epic, combat-loaded best episode of last season.
So, was “Battle of the Bastards” everything it was supposed to be? Well, before we get into that, we should talk about the dragons first.
Surprisingly, the entire episode wasn’t set in the North of Westeros, as many had expected. Rather, it begins in Slavers Bay, where Meereen is under attack by the slave masters, and Tyrion’s deal with them is under intense scrutiny from the freshly returned Daenerys Targaryen. He defends it fairly well, but Dany just wants to burn all her enemies down. She’s got a look of regal madness in her eyes, even as Tyrion warns her of how her father, the Mad King of Westeros, sought to burn down Kings Landing with vast stores of wildfire.
She relents, for a moment at least. Dany, Tyrion and crew parley with the masters, who demand all kinds of things. Dany isn’t taking it, though. “My reign has just begun,” she says, as Drogon swoops in and perches beside his mother. She climbs aboard and together they soar off while her other two dragon babies follow hot on their heels. Slaughter continues in the streets of Meereen, but then the Dothraki army swarms in and butchers the Sons of the Harpy. The dragons set the masters’ fleet ablaze, Tyrion and Grey Worm give the masters’ negotiators their final marching orders, and, like that, last week’s abrupt and awkward ending is forgiven.
With that settled, it’s time to move on to the bastards. Before the battle, another talk. Ramsay and his backers ride to negotiate with Jon and Sansa. “Get off your horse, kneel,” Ramsay says. “I’m a man of mercy.” In return, Jon offers to fight him one-on-one in a bid to prevent the slaughter of thousands. Ramsay doesn’t take the bait, though. Instead, he taunts them with Shaggydog’s head, a reminder that he has Rickon Stark, the youngest of the family. “You’re going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton. Sleep well,” Sansa tells Ramsay before she rides off.
Now for strategy. It’s these quiet moments where “Game of Thrones” builds the foundations for the explosive set pieces. Jon Snow shakes off his case of the post-resurrection blues for a bit, and he even shares some quips with Tormund Giantsbane. He’s reasonably confident heading into this fight, but Sansa warns him about how Ramsay is wickedly clever, how he can see traps coming from miles away and how he’s the one who sets traps. Sansa is also ready to concede Rickon’s life because she expects Ramsay to kill him no matter what. She also warns Jon that she won’t go back to Ramsay alive. He vows to protect her, but she delivers perhaps the most devastating line in “Game of Thrones” history: “No one can protect me.”
Tormund and Davos share a fantastic scene, too, where they consider the wages of believing in kings. “Maybe that was our mistake,” Davos concedes. Ah, but Jon Snow isn’t a king. That reminder brings a glimmer of a smile to both their faces before Tormund goes to drink and Davos goes to take a long, thoughtful walk before battle.
Then it’s time for Jon to catch up with Melisandre. He orders her not to bring him back again if he falls in battle. She says she takes orders only from the Lord of Light, and that she might have to bring him back if the god demands it. Then again, maybe he brought Jon back just to die again, she allows. “What kind of god would do that?” Jon asks. “The one we’ve got,” she answers, perhaps not in the most hopeful tone.
Out on his walk, meanwhile, Davos comes across a scene of a burning. It’s where Shireen Baratheon, his only true friend in the whole world, was burned to death. Just as he realizes what horror she went through, the horns sound. It’s time for battle.
But hold on a second, we’re back to Meereen, where Yara and Theon Greyjoy stand before Dany and Tyrion, who remembers just how mean Theon was to him. On the other hand, Dany and Yara hit it off, as they’re both hardcore women with designs on taking thrones in Westeros. There are 100 ships from the Iron Fleet, and they’ll go along with whatever ships are left from the masters. Why shouldn’t Dany decide to go with Euron Greyjoy, however? Yara quickly knocks down that question by saying he would want to marry her. Dany is bringing a different vision to Westeros, and that means listening to requests for independence, particularly Yara’s. In exchange, Yara, as leader of the Iron Islands, agrees to back Dany’s claim and give up the Ironborn way of acting like glorified pirates.
Okay, now it’s back to Westeros. There’s an eerie calm over the battlefield. Jon, his giant and his Wildling forces look out to see burning crosses adorned with flayed bodies. Beyond that, Ramsay’s forces line up, Winterfell at their back. Ramsay rides to the front of the lines, leading Rickon by a rope. He brandishes a blade, holds it aloft, and then cuts his ropes. “You like games, little man? Let’s play a game,” he tells Rickon. He orders the poor kid to run across the battlefield. As he prepares to fire an arrow at Rickon, Jon rashly mounts his horse and rides out to collect his little brother. You can’t help but think that this is what Ramsay wanted all along. Just as Jon is about to reach him, an arrow pierces the boy’s heart. Now the leader of what remains of House Stark’s hopes has seen enough. He charges forward while the Bolton forces unleash their first arrows.
Snow’s forces charge, and it’s on. Jon loses his mount along the way, and it’s all going as Ramsay had planned. You really know nothing, do you, Jon Snow? The Bolton forces charge, and Jon draws Longclaw. It looks like the bastard of Winterfell’s last stand, but then his cavalry slams into the Bolton army, and he’s spared a trampling. Ramsay orders his archers to fire, even if it puts his soldiers at risk, while Davos declines to do the same on his side. Whose strategy will pay off?
Carnage is everywhere, and Jon Snow cuts down all comers. Men are slaughtered left and right, horses fall, mud flies, blood spurts, heads are smashed, hearts are pierced. There are literally mountains of bodies, but the fighting isn’t done. Davos and the meager Snow reinforcements charge, and then Ramsay sends in a phalanx, which surrounds Jon, Davos, Tormund and the rest of the fighters. The Bolton forces inch in with their shields and spears, and its a methodical slaughter. More men climb over the mountain of bodies.
Snow’s forces then refuse to take it, and they push back. More blood spurts, guts are spilled. Snow’s giant rips a man in two. There’s no place to fall back to, though, so Tormund orders his men to rush the mountain of bodies and fight their way out that way. Jon is in the process of being trampled as Tormund faces what looks like his fate. All appears lost. Jon finally rises to the top of the sea of bodies and observes a hopeless scene.
Then, a horn sounds. It’s Littlefinger and the Knights of the Vale, and it looks like they’re pulling a Gandalf and Eomer at the end of “The Two Towers.” Sansa bailed out Jon with her letter to Littlefinger, and the rout is on. The Vale forces mow down the Bolton forces.
Now Ramsay stands nearly alone, and Jon Snow, having emerged from the pit of death spies him. Ramsay turns tail, so Jon, Tormund and the giant pursue him to Winterfell. Ramsay is prepared to wait out a siege, but you can’t do that when there’s a giant knocking down your gate. He knocks it down but he just has too many arrows in him to live, but he did his job in the grand scheme of things. Snow’s men storm Winterfell, while Jon witnesses the giant’s death thanks to Ramsay’s arrow.
Now they stand face to face. It’s time for that one-on-one battle Jon asked for. After fending off Ramsay’s arrows, Jon pounds his face in over and over again, but he decides to leave him there as Sansa looks on.
Again, the Stark banners fly at Winterfell, but all is not happy. Jon orders Rickon buried in the crypt, next to their father, Ned Stark. Sansa, meanwhile, wants to have one more confrontation with Ramsay Bolton, who is bloodied and bound to a chair behind bars in the kennel where he keeps his dogs. She hears his taunts his “Hello, Sansa” sounds an awful lot like Hannibal Lecter’s “Hello, Clarice” but then she informs him that everything about him will disappear. Just then, his hounds creep out of their cages. He had been starving them for days to prepare them for the battle’s aftermath, and hunger trumps loyalty. The hounds tear him apart which many fans had hoped for while Sansa looks on and then turns away, a faint smile on her lips.
